somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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