i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
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