I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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