Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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