sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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