My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
