ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
