i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
