70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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