she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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