If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
