yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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