You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
