I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
