You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
