can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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