Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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