All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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