you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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