Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week