The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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