Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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