I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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