hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
