3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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