Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
