She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
