the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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