Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
