How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
