why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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