omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
