Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
this hospital has no fireball
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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