Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
