I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
You're like the curious george of whores
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize