I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
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