at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you never un-have a 4some
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
