saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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