haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
