I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
