so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
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I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
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Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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