im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
