I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
