I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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