No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
