I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
