I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
