hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
