I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
