After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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