Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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