I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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