Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize