I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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