Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
