if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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