The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
