Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
