can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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